"What Happened to My Kid?" A Parent's Lament (Chapter 2, Part 1)

Lisa Lane September 4, 2016

Parenting Case Study: Where Did My Baby Go?

Under the florescent lights of the school gym, Nancy’s eyes welled with tears. In a voice touched with panic and sadness she asked me, “Is he going to be okay?” Her son Ben—normally an academic superstar—was carrying a solid ‘D’ in my freshman English class and hadn’t turned in a scrap of homework for six weeks. Worse yet, she said, he had become sullen and secretive. His usual gregarious personality and passion for joke-telling had morphed into bitterness, sarcasm and refusal to make conversation with anyone—even family and friends he had recently adored. He had become mean, she explained as she choked back her sobs, especially to his parents and siblings, which was making everyone miserable. Ben’s insults had become so nasty and so personal it was hard to ignore him and act like everything was okay.

Ben had been a motivated, champion swimmer since he was quite young. His passion—along with his training and competition—had shaped the family’s schedule for years. Now, all of a sudden, Ben seemed to resent both the sport and his parents’ support. He was verbally abusive when they woke him for morning practice and refused to keep track of his own equipment. When Nancy scolded him for another missing pair of trunks or goggles, Ben would threaten to quit swimming forever and swear he hated it, anyway. As a matter of fact, she admitted, a couple of weeks ago Ben had skipped out on afternoon workout to hang out in a nearby park. He lied about it to his parents—which angered them—but his response upon getting caught absolutely flummoxed them. Pressed to explain his actions, Ben just shrugged his shoulders and mumbled. Part of the trouble, Nancy surmised, was his new group of friends. Ben seemed to have dropped all the buddies he’d grown up with—good kids whom his parents knew and loved—in favor of some awfully sketchy characters.

Nancy’s hardworking son had turned lazy. The boy once so passionate about so many pursuits —model rockets, growing tomatoes, reading Harry Potter—had become deeply apathetic about every single thing under the sun. The social child with the engaging personality had isolated himself from the world. “He would be plugged into his headphones 24 hours a day if we let him,” Nancy cried. “I just don’t know what happened. It’s like my son is gone.” She asked again, “Is he going to be okay?”

Who Left the Demon in the Bed?

If you have adolescent children, Nancy’s lament at a parent-teacher conference might sound familiar. Whether you feel like you are losing your family, your hair, your tenuous grip on reality, or your ever-loving mind, once your kids hit puberty your life gets jacked-up, and fast. Hang in there, moms and dads . . . you’re not alone. We should definitely talk about it over a glass of wine. As soon as possible. Preferably someplace public, away from sharp objects, and filled with reasonable, peaceful people over the age of 30. Who will bring us more wine.

I mean it. Let’s make a date.

If, on the other hand, your kids are slightly younger—say, under the age of ten or eleven—listen up. If they still generally like you and smell pretty good most of the time, drop everything right now and go smell them. I mean it—put your nose as far into their personal spaces as they will allow and inhale the sweet aroma of them. If they will still let you smother them with kisses, do that too. Do it while you still can, my friend, because soon, all that is going to change. (Once you have finished your smelling and kissing, please return to this manuscript. It all turns in the blink of an eye and you might as well start preparing. But hang on tight – what you are about to hear may make your head spin. In this case, smell again. Kiss again. Repeat.)

Medieval literature is rife with tales of the swapped child, or changeling: a troll or faerie switched with a human child under the cloak of nighttime. It’s a haunting theme: parents find hideous, malformed beasts in place of their cherubic, beautiful children. Scholars tell us the trope helped people justify unexplained diseases and disorders. Anyone who has spent time with teenagers knows it is also the only explanation for what happens when our kids hit puberty. Sweet and loving daughters and sons are replaced—it seems like it happens overnight—by unrecognizable creatures.

“O that it could be proved
That some night-tripping fairy had exchanged
In cradle-clothes our children where they lay... ”

— Henry IV, Part 1

I’ll tell you the worst part: it sneaks up on you. There is no formal announcement: "Mom, Dad, I've made my transition into adolescence! Things are about to get real." Puberty comes like a thief in the night, and there is little you can do to prepare yourself. If you are like me, you knew the adolescent years would be tough. You knew because you were once a teenager yourself. You may, in fact, have uttered words to this effect: “Dear God, I hope my kid doesn’t act like me . . . . “ Most probably you heard the parents’ curse: “I hope someday you have a kid of your own who acts just like you . . . . “ You have read parenting books, attended seminars, baked millions of cupcakes and stayed involved in their schools. You secretly pat yourself on the back about how well your kids are turning out and what a great job you are doing not repeating the mistakes your parents made. You are prepared for—almost looking forward to—the kooky teen antics which will challenge your family someday, because you know you’ve got this.

Oh, Dear Reader. Brace yourself. It happens overnight . . . and it is ugly.

Up Next: YOU ARE HERE: How to Tell You've Entered Teenage Wasteland (even if your kid is only 11 or 12)

This is the first part of Chapter Two of my in-progress manuscript. Earlier chapters:

Preface: Why I Love Teenagers (Catcher-in-the-Rye Parenting)

Chapter One, Part One: You Are Not a Failure and You Are Not Alone

Chapter One, Part Two: Teenagers Need Us

Beyond Mama Bear Live Event! September 29, 2016, Denver South HS (presented by Denver South PTSA). Free and open to all: please join us!

This Child of Ours: Grief.

Lisa Lane August 31, 2016

My friend has lost her son.

Our children have lost a friend.

Our tribe has lost a soul; our husbands have lost a kid they coached.

Our grief is overwhelming. Unspeakable.

Now there will be a funeral, and the business of taking care of the living. It is the only thing that keeps us--the parents--from lying prostrate and keening our sorrows to the indifferent universe. Now we begin the lifelong process of helping our sons and daughters heal from wounds we hoped they would never feel.

We need each other. Raising our children takes a village indeed; it takes super-human strength, grit and tenacity. It takes forgiveness--of our children but mostly of ourselves--and it will challenge everything we believe. This parenting-of-adolescents is a burden too great to bear alone.

Until we have words to make sense of things, I turn--as I so often do--to the Blessed Mother. Forgive me my Catholic upbringing, Dear Reader, and ponder along with me. When there is no sense to be made of things:

But Mary kept all these things, and pondered them in her heart. -Luke 2:19

Hil was a beautiful boy. We shall never be the same.

Agave discovers her son is dead. THE BACCHAE by Euripides. Ancient grief.

Beyond Mama Bear, Part 2 of 2: Teenagers Need Us.

Lisa Lane August 23, 2016

Mama Bear: A Crummy Role Model for Parents of Adolescents.

When our children were little, my friends and I cried "Mama Bear" to justify our slightly crazy parental instincts. We are all familiar with the archetype: the dad who leaps to yank a kid away from speeding cars. The mother who can hear, identify, and respond to a real cry of trouble three blocks away. The out-of-nowhere gumption it takes to yell at menacing big kids on the playground. Yes, we share Mama Bear's instincts to protect our brood. Most parents relate to her example of strong parenting. She justifies the surge of anger we feel when our child is bullied on the school bus. When we pull a toddler away from a hot stove or jolt from our sleep because something feels not right, Mama Bear makes sense to us.

Here’s the trouble: just as her babies gain some independence, Mama Bear goes to sleep. She hibernates. Mama Bear is a crummy role model for the parents of teenagers, even though we share her instinct to close our tired eyes. As my children and their friends became adolescents, I noticed something strange: the very same parents who once hovered and helicoptered around their little ones tended to check out—in various ways—as the kids got older.

They Still Need Us (Even When They Act Like They Don’t).

It is understandable. Just as our children can feed themselves and use fabric softener and maybe even change a tire, they develop wicked strategies to convince us they don’t need us anymore. It is tempting to believe them. We are exhausted. We are struggling to get some semblance of our groove back. They are just so mean to us! But we must not hibernate. Our teenagers need us. They need us in different, ever-changing ways and yet they reject everything we do for them (because it’s their job). Nevertheless, we cannot go to sleep. Very real predators threaten our kids: abuse, addiction, peer-pressure, the media, apathy, bullying, and good old-fashioned sex, drugs and rock-n-roll. Our adolescents are worth saving and we cannot fall asleep on the job.

Mama Bear: She just seems so sure of herself!

Not only does Mama Bear hibernate when the going gets tough, she’s got a lousy attitude for someone who lives amongst pubescent people. Thanks to her animal instincts, Mama Bear just seems so darned sure of herself. In my experience--and according to the hundreds of parents I have observed and interviewed--one thing is certain: when teenagers live in your home you rarely (if ever) feel confident or cool-headed. Even when things seem pretty good and the family is mostly getting along, it's a messy, muddled mind-trip. Mama Bear never second-guesses herself, feels guilty or shows any signs of ambivalence. That attitude is supremely un-helpful for parents of teenagers. We spend most of our days feeling rotten at our jobs and unprepared for everything.

Raising teenagers is bewildering and personal and painful. It's hard to step back and gain any perspective. It’s easy to sink into patterns of anger and chaos, and it’s easy for parents to lose sight of their purpose. Everything we know about parenting evaporates when kids get hormonal, because thirteen-year-olds don’t respond to anything the same way they did when they were six or seven. Gone are the days of feeling confident, protecting our children with atavistic aplomb, only to sink into our pillows each night exhausted but sure of our role in the world. With younger children, rules are clear and pretty simple to enforce. Stove, hot! Street, dangerous! Dipping your cookie in the toilet? Not the best choice! We know what young children need to learn, and they are interested in all of it. The alphabet, numbers, the names of things, how trees grow and why it rains and how to play the piano and clean up your mess and tie your shoes and use the toilet and tell a joke and eat with a fork. Once they become teenagers, things are more complicated. The rules? They're difficult to negotiate amidst brave-new technology and old-school adolescent rebellion. Teenagers--because it is their job--tell elaborate lies, crawl out windows, test limits, and beg us in many other ways to question values we hold dear.

Do Not Hibernate! There’s Too Much at Stake.

It is unexpectedly tempting to check out. To take their abuse personally and give up on them. To think, “they don’t need me.” It’s our job to teach adolescents so much, but they specifically don't want to hear it from us. They are mercurial and confused. They are whirlwinds of angst, self-loathing and pretense. They contradict themselves with wild passion. Negotiating with teenagers is like a carnival funhouse; everything is familiar and disorienting at the same time. Meanwhile, our children are developmentally programmed to act recklessly, make awful decisions, test boundaries and act like little criminals. There is too much at stake for parents to hibernate. In many ways middle- and high-school kids need us more than they did when they were in third or fourth grades.

They are almost-adults, smack in the midst of actualizing their unique personalities. We know how difficult they can be, but when we engage with them, we lose our objectivity. We bite their crazy-bait and let them hurt our feelings. We almost never feel sure of ourselves. I recommend we let Mama Bear go as a role model because expecting perfection--or certainty, or family harmony, or knowing what the hell we are doing--makes everything so much worse.

Parents of teenagers need new role models because it's supposed to be hard. Raising a family is difficult and awful by design; raising people who can survive on their own and contribute to society and enjoy their adult lives is just an ugly, painful process. If we expect to know what we are doing--if we think we should feel sure of ourselves while raising teenagers--it's a million times harder. We need to cut ourselves some slack. Pretending everything's okay--and expecting it to be perfect--eventually exhausts us; all we can do is cover our eyes and hibernate.

We Live in Hope

If you—like Carl in the first installment of this chapter, like all of us—are feeling defeated by it all, I hope you’ll remember to ask for help. I hope my work will help you understand your kids and your parenting and give you specific ideas for how to survive. I hope you will lean on your tribe of elders: moms and dads who have been there before you, who can calm your darkest fears with a gentle scoff and a frank reminder to take it easy. I hope you will be convinced your kids are worth staying engaged for a few more years. I’ll tell you why it’s worth it (for them and for you) and I’ll give you some practical ways to find your balance in the three-ring adolescent circus. My observations have taught me that parents do best to know, protect and honor their adolescent children. There is not one new role model for the likes of us; there are many. In order to meet the demands of raising our children to adulthood, parents must find a balance, walk a fine line, and quick-change between many, many hats. It's arduous work but--I promise!--our teenagers and our sanity are worth it in the long run.

In my upcoming book and in my talks and presentations for parents, I present some new role models for those of us raising teenagers. I will remind you often to check balance on the high-wire of raising a family. I will remind you how often we must make split decisions and practice super-human discernment. I will remind you to stay vigilant. I will remind you to laugh. When we work hard to know, protect and honor our teenagers, we can help pave their way to becoming the very best versions of themselves.

www.beyondmamabear.com 2016

Baba O'Reilly by Pete Townshend 1971; used without permission but with gratitude and much respect.

This is the second part of Chapter One of my in-progress manuscript. Read the preface here:

Why I Love Teenagers (Catcher-in-the-Rye Parenting)

Chapter One, Part One: Beyond Mama Bear: Why Parents of Teens Need New Role Models

Beyond Mama Bear, Part 1 of 2: You Are Not a Failure and You Are Not Alone.

Lisa Lane August 17, 2016

PARENTING CASE STUDY: Teenagers Destroy the Best of Us.

Carl is one of the most successful people we know, by almost any measure. He is a strong, strapping man, professionally accomplished, financially sound, a devoted father and loving husband: brilliant, funny, imposing, able, wise. We’ve known him and his family since our kids were in preschool together, during those blissful early days of parenthood. On a recent summer evening I casually asked how things were going now that we all have adolescents in our homes. The light in Carl’s eyes seemed to dim. He slumped a bit and suddenly looked older than his years. He sighed from deep within and said, “It’s harder than I thought it would be.” To all the world his two daughters are active, animated, polite young women. They are curious and engaged; they do well in school. And yet I saw before me a man defeated. Something about daily family life was threatening to break his spirit. And I thought, if living with adolescents can cause a man like Carl to crumble, why should the rest of us expect anything different?

THE STRUGGLE IS REAL (AND PERFECTLY NORMAL).

Few parents of teenagers escape unscathed. Living with adolescents brings the best of us to our knees and it’s easy to feel like a giant parenting failure most of the time. When our lovely children turn into angry malcontents, things tend to come apart at the seams: families, marriages, healthy self-identities. If you find yourself engaging in elaborate fantasies—like running away to join the circus, a convent, or a magical place where there is no laundry on the floor and no emails about missing homework—you are not alone.

Lately I've been pondering the first lines of Leo Tolstoy's Anna Karenina: "All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” Maybe it's true. Maybe we are unique and set apart from one another by our struggles and strife. But these days, I doubt it. I gotta take issue with old Leo, now that I am part of my own struggling family. Perhaps the details of each family's challenges are unique, but in the grand scheme of things, raising a family is hard for everyone. Most of the time, I feel like my crazy family is messed-up in ways no one else will understand and that's depressing, y’all. It’s comforting to be reminded how perfectly normal it is to struggle when your kids are of a certain age. It happens to all of us. In this manuscript I will encourage all of us to take a new point-of-view: if we gain a better perspective of why it’s so difficult to raise teenagers, we can focus on the light at the end of the tunnel. If we observe the normal (but nutty) patterns of family life, we can lean on each other and see our way to more peace and less strife.

Teenagers will knock you flat. They stand on the precipice of leaving the nest and starting lives of their own. They rebel in a million ways, all designed to personally challenge their well-meaning, beleaguered parents. It is tempting to check out, to give up, to run away, to take a nap for the next few years.

Beyond Mama Bear, Beyond Hibernation: We must stay vigilant.

I am going to try and convince you why it’s important to do the opposite, to stay vigilant, engaged and awake. Raising teenagers is harder than any of us thought it would be but we can do it. Now—while we still have a few years with them at home—is the time to take a new look at helping our teenagers become responsible, fully actualized adults. If you have ever felt lonely or discouraged—if you have found yourself, say, in the fetal position on the floor of your closet, wracked with sobs and despair because your happy family is a thing of the past—please keep reading. Together, parents can help each other feel less isolated and gain a new point-of-view. It also helps to find ourselves some new role models for parenting, because as soon as the hormones rush in, everything we know about parenting flies out the window.

This is the first part of Chapter One of my in-progress manuscript. Read the preface here:

Why I Love Teenagers (Catcher-in-the-Rye Parenting)

Up Next: Part 2 of 2 - Beyond Mama Bear: Why Parents of Teens Need New Role Models

I'm here to help guide you through the "I hate my kid!" years, with wit, wisdom and a wicked sense of humor. To book a workshop or lecture for your parenting or school group, please contact me.

Sneak-Peek at the Preface for my (almost-finished) Book on Parenting Teenagers!

Lisa Lane July 28, 2016

Preface: I Love Teenagers. (Catcher-in-the-Rye Parenting)

“What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go over the cliff -
I mean if they’re running and they don’t look where they’re going
I have to come out from somewhere and catch them.
That’s all I do all day. I’d just be the catcher in the rye and all.
I know it’s crazy, but that’s the only thing I’d really like to be.
”

— J.D. Salinger

TEENS ARE THE NEW TODDLERS.

I love teenagers. I need to start with this, because I am going to say a lot of horrible things about them. Raising teenagers sucks. But this is also true: I love them. I adore teenagers in exactly the same way most people love toddlers. They really are so very much the same (and we’ll discuss this at greater length in future chapters). Adolescents—like toddlers—are goofy and silly and awkward in their own bodies. They are easily confused and constantly distracted. They fall down a lot. They are prone to temper-tantrums. They over-react and over-celebrate, and if you catch them in the right mood, they have an over-flow of love to share. They say things so ridiculous it’s just hilarious. I love teenagers and I long to help them when they are in trouble. I want to stand at the edge of Holden Caulfield’s crazy cliff and catch them all. This Catcher-in-the-Rye Complex began even before I started teaching high school, before my own children morphed into difficult teenagers, probably somewhere around the time I became a teen-in-turmoil myself. Young people get lost—go over the cliff, unravel, drift away—in a million ways. If you’re a parent, I don’t have to tell you. A long list of real predators keeps us all awake at night. Take your pick of worries (or perhaps your progeny will choose for you): everything from good old-fashioned sex-drugs-and-rock-roll to new-fangled technology threatens our hormonal offspring. If you are like me you may be most freaked out by the memories of your own misspent youth. Teenagers are difficult and they are in danger, but they are also full of hope.

They are full of hope and they can’t help it. It is their lot in life. They’re neither fully grown nor fully independent, so every pore teems with possibility. Teenagers—even when they adopt attitudes of contempt and threaten to grow bitter before their time—believe in the future. Anything is possible as far as they know. As much as it scares them, they enjoy looking into the next several decades and imagining what might be. They rarely see student-loan debt or complicated relationships or broken dreams. At 14 and 16 and 18 and even 22 they look into the future and see themselves as professional athletes, race-car drivers, magicians, fighter pilots, artists and activists. They believe—really, really believe, and nothing the cynical adult world does can shake them of this notion—they will make the world a better place. It’s very nice to spend time with people who have this attitude.

Don’t get me wrong; teenagers piss me off, frustrate me and disappoint me every day. They’re just so darned adolescent all the time. The journey toward adulthood can lead our kids into dangerous territory. Once in a while, despite their youth and natural enthusiasm, one of these adolescents gets lost in the forest of despair. She loses hope. He forgets feelings are temporary. And before we can help them find their way to a clearing, where they can breathe and see and feel okay again, they choose to leave us. Some of the young people I cared about got lost. Some of the teenagers I tried to help didn’t make it; some went astray without me even guessing anything was wrong. Some of them have committed suicide or made reckless choices that killed them. Others have gone down paths that have left them lost in countless ways. Many others have strayed, stood on the edge of the abyss, and found their way back. These happy stories we celebrate with a metaphorical fatted calf, because those who were lost are found.

IT IS THEIR JOB TO REBEL.

Adolescents have a biological imperative to act recklessly. It’s physical, emotional and social; they are quite literally in the midst of identity crisis, and it’s their job to muck their way through and make the best of it. If they don’t, their beautiful, authentic identities will never fully mature. A lot of young people simply must run full-speed in the direction of the cliff. I understand this mandate, and I want to let them run. But by God, I’d like to catch them before they go over the edge. I know why sprinting toward danger feels so right at their age. When they play with fire, they forge their adult selves. Only when they push limits, test theories, question authority and tilt at windmills can young people become the adults we dream they will be. I also know how wrong things can go, how lost kids can get, and how adolescent angst can send entire happy families right over the edge.

I care, of course, because it’s personal. Like Holden, I’ve conflated the youngsters with my own lost self. My cliffside fantasy really ends with someone swooping in and re-writing history, saving my adolescence from the edge of a terrible cliff. If I shine a light of hope for teenagers or their parents, maybe I’ll illuminate my own way out of the darkness. Like most loving parents, my husband and I started our little family with full hearts and the best intentions. Somehow—in spite of our flaws, foibles and wicked ways--we trusted we had the right stuff to raise a couple of human beings. We turned our gaze toward the Divine, read a lot of books, relied on family and friends. We were blessed beyond our wildest dreams with two healthy, beautiful boys. We expected the teenaged years to be rough, but we were confident we would rise to the challenge. For many years, our family ups and downs were bearable and life was pretty sweet. And then—almost suddenly, but also gradually, slowly, like the drip of a torturous faucet—we lost our way. Our children turned into emotional, over-sensitive, brooding, irrational, spiteful creatures. It seemed too early to be puberty—so emotional at ten years old!—and it took us by surprise. Before we knew what was happening (before we could consult the proper parenting manuals), we were in it. Simultaneously, I was spending my days with high-school students. I sometimes described my job as, “arguing with teenagers and banging my head against the wall all day long,” but I managed to teach them how to read a little better and write decent essays. I also formed real, raw relationships with my students, and because they were a few years ahead of our boys, I started taking notes.

I observed some champion parenting. I saw adults make choices and take actions that saved their children and I saw these children blossom into responsible adulthood. I also observed how adults, including me, let our teenagers down. This job of ours—this parenting of teenagers—is painful, personal and absolutely disorienting. Professionals and experts call adolescence a great “disruption” to the life of a family. No kidding. Even those of us who know better—we with training or education or personal vows to be better than our own parents—fall right through the rabbit hole after our kids. Everything gets topsy-turvy. Logic goes out the window. All bets are off. Pretty soon we find ourselves immersed in power struggles and all the eye-rolling sends us right over the edge into some awfully bad parenting decisions. Although I certainly do not have all the answers, my experience has taught me we can change this course. If we meet them with open eyes, strong arms and full hearts, we can help teenagers grow up.

Anyone who has seen me in the full throes of losing my cool will attest I am not a parenting or child-development expert. Much of my very own parenting and teaching have been messy and imperfect and marked far more by failure than grace. But I am almost certain what I have to tell you is important. I think you will want to hear it. If you are raising teenagers, I think it may even be vital that you hear it. Like most of us, I am balancing on a high-wire strung between good intentions and bad habits, between Things I Know Are True and Things That Make Me Doubt Everything. Among a smattering of degrees I feel are mostly decorative, however, I earned one I believe applies. Ladies and Gentlemen, allow me to present my PhD in Keepin’ it Real. Mine is wisdom learned in the trenches also known as high-school English class. These are lessons learned in desperation. Few things are so humbling as realizing your clever lesson on subordinate clauses matters nothing at all to a teenager struggling to find her place in the world, keep her skin clear, or gain the attention of that cute guy back in the corner. High school students stand on the precipice of leaving the nest and starting lives on their own. They are at a unique moment in time where they crave independence and boundaries simultaneously, often in equal measure. They are dizzyingly close to becoming the adults they will soon be and yet they are light years away. They are difficult, rebellious, confused, brilliant, impetuous, impulsive, prone to drama, and really, really stupid.

WE LIVE IN HOPE.

It is a beautiful mystery how many of my former students are now doing wonderfully well regardless of the parenting they received. The human spirit is invincible; we thrive in rocky soil; we all shine on (like the moon and the stars and the sun). I do believe, however, that parents can make a difference. I believe we have the power to give our children a strong foundation and a view of the world which can help them become the best versions of themselves. Surely we can strive to do no harm to the miracle-people we brought onto the planet.

What I have to tell you is based on years of very real, very raw relationships with teenagers. Here are the stories of my own spectacular failures as my children turned into people I did not recognize, who suddenly spit venom at me when I entered a room. My findings are also based on interviews with parents and teenagers, the latest neuroscience research on adolescence, and tried-and-true theories of family systems. Raising teenagers into responsible adulthood is a hard-scrabble, often ugly process. It takes grit and generosity and super-human tenacity. Raising teenagers—I will remind you again and again—is not for the faint of heart. It might threaten to destroy you, your family and everything you hold dear. But raising adolescents to adulthood can also be the richest and most redeeming thing you have ever done. I will share some very practical things about how to save them from getting truly lost. And along the way, let’s remember how much we really do love our teenagers.

Gatorade-Shower: Great Moments in Parenting History, 07.19.2016

Lisa Lane July 19, 2016

Sometimes, Parents of Teenagers Get a Win.

My friends, this shall be quick. Our eldest child just left the nest, and there are many words to be written about that. I'm letting it simmer; I am pondering. It's a strangely, sublimely bittersweet moment. As I unpack the experience and watch our son spread his wings, as I hold my breath and pray and celebrate the new space in our home and in our marriage, as I I am comforted by thoughts of "all is just as it should be" and terrified about all I have not taught him . . . I received a text from our boy.

No more than 24 hours after his Daddy and brother delivered him into his new life, his new apartment, and his new roommate, I received the best. Text. Ever.

"Karma is about to hit TF out of me... my roommate left a knife that he used in the sink without washing it... "

Ladies and Gentlemen! SUCCESS!

I'm dumping the Gatorade on my own head and celebrating: this is a parenting championship!

Our darling son, our first-born, the light of our lives, has cultivated a specific and annoying habit during these past several years, about which my husband and I have complained, corrected, worried and bitched ad nauseum: he leaves dirty knives in the sink.

24 HOURS, yo! He's already showing signs of getting it.

More to come as he begins a year of service with AmeriCorps and little brother steps into the only-child limelight for his final year at home. For now, as this new phase begins for all of us . . . we all shine on. We live in hope.

YOU ARE HERE: How to Tell You've Entered Teenage Wasteland

Lisa Lane July 13, 2016

There is no formal announcement: "Mom, Dad, I've made my transition into adolescence! Things are about to get real." The crazy world of parenting teenagers just sneaks up on us.

As early as age ten, kids begin cultivating habits and attitudes which soon blossom into full-fledged adolescence. It can be disorienting, because everything stops making sense. Only when we recognize where we are can we adjust and properly tend our new landscape.

The sooner we recognize signs of adolescent behavior, the sooner we can wake up and act accordingly. (Parenting teens is different than parenting a seven-year old). If we can name a thing, we can understand it. If we know what it is, we may be less afraid of it (and I'm here to tell you, teenagers can be pretty scary). Knowing the nature of the beast figures mightily in our ability to tame it.

And so. If you've heard one or more of the following come out of your mouth lately, step back and take inventory. Is it possible you have an adolescent on your hands? (Take heart: your kids aren't rotten or ruined--at least not permanently. They're just entering the wasteland of adolescence.)

IF YOU FIND YOURSELF SAYING THESE THINGS . . . YOU MIGHT HAVE AN ADOLESCENT ON YOUR HANDS

1. "That's the fourth jacket you have lost this year!" (or phone, textbook, glasses, key, mouthguard or . . . .) This is often where it begins.

2. "You have an F! An actual F!" If a perennial star pupil suddenly loses interest or ability when it comes to school, you're probably IN IT.

3. "But you LOVE baseball! You can't just quit!" Likewise gymnastics, groups of friends and other passions. Dropping things they have loved all their lives is a sure sign: you've got a teenager in your house.

4. "Can you say something positive for a change?" Gradually--and then all of a sudden--their negative commentary on the world will overwhelm you. When every sentence begins, "You know what sucks . . ." or "You know what's cheap about . . . " or "You know what I hate . . . ," you've entered Teenage Wasteland.

5. "Who ate all the cereal?"If your child eats like an animal and/or sleeps like a rock, the brave new world of adolescence is right around the corner.

6. "What did you just say? I swear, I can't understand you!" Does the kid who spoke in full sentences before her second birthday now mumble, grunt and spit her replies to you? Check. That's a teenager.

7. "Please remove your headphones when I am speaking to you." The tendency to retreat from us into their own, surly little worlds? Particularly when that checking-out is accompanied by an angry, private soundtrack? Yes, indeed: that's adolescence! (7a: "Will you just come out of your bedroom for a change?")

8. "Why is the bathroom door locked?" A sudden (and suspicious) need for privacy is a tell-tale sign. Times, along with hormonal little bodies, they are a changin'.

Well, Friends, where do you stand? If you recognize yourself or your child here, welcome aboard! Now that you have your bearings, make the appropriate adjustments and keep your chin up (and please keep reading about new role models for all of us!). Together, we'll help each other find our way to that enchanted land of healthy, happy adulthood for the people we love best in the world.

And in honor of your new position on the map, Pete Townshend and the boys remind us where we are:

Album: The Kids Are Alright (1978) Genre: Rock Style: Classic Rock

The Beautiful, Open, Adolescent Brain: an Opportunity for Parents to Make a Difference

Lisa Lane February 16, 2016

Teenagers Are Worth It.

On the bright side, living with teenagers keeps us in the moment. They are a constant invitation to remain flexible, keep learning, and see the world through new eyes. Meeting them where they are requires vigilance and super-human tenacity but it's worth it. When you break through a sullen stare and connect with a teenager, when you get a glimpse of the funny, confident, fascinating grown-up lurking behind the angst (almost but not-quite ready to see the light of day) you can see it's worth it. Staying on the sunny side of the street is easier said than done when we're faced with real-live hooligans, but it’s worth it every single time.

In this post I discuss a new, beyond-hibernation, beyond-Mama-Bear role model for parents of teens: The Artist, who reminds us to see our children (and ourselves) with forgiving eyes. Now I'll get into the nitty-gritty of why adolescents need such expansive and constant forgiveness.

It’s Not Their Fault: Consider the Teenaged Brain.

Nothing in a teenager's life seems in control. Their thoughts and emotions are tangled and often scary. They are astute enough to recognize hypocrisy but naive enough to be frightened by it. The adults in their lives do contradictory, weird things. Many teens find it impossible not to vocalize every thought in their brains. Some burst into tears without reason. Their bodies betray them daily in ways that baffle and humiliate them.

Pleasure Rules.

It’s really way beyond their control. During adolescence the human brain is hard at work developing and organizing itself for the demands of adulthood. As soon as the puberty engines start revving, emotions rule the brain and body. It takes years for higher-level cognitive functions to catch up. Adolescence is a time of impulse, sensation, immediacy and growth. The body and brain explode with chemical and physical activity. Young people are super-vulnerable to sensations and feelings because it’s all limbic-system and dopamine receptors during these years—whim and pleasure and thrill-seeking. The pre-frontal cortex—which controls impulse, weighs consequences and regulates action—lags behind in development. In short, they’re slaves to their desires because everything good feels so much better to a teenager. Until that frontal lobe is fully formed, there’s not much preventing kids from obeying the dictates of their pleasure sensors, all the time. We can’t trust them to make sound decisions because—mind, body and spirit—they are programmed to do the opposite. (Steinberg, 2014)

Teenagers=Sponges (Sensation is Everything)

You know how certain smells or sounds can evoke specific-but-random memories of your own teenaged years? Personally, the aroma of Bonne Bell Bubblegum Lipgloss, stale Coors Light or a Russian Olive tree in the month of May can send me into intense high-school reverie. (Never mind the power of certain Grateful Dead, Steve Miller Band or Pink Floyd songs to transport me right back to my freshman dorm room.) We are all sensory sponges during those salad days; adolescents literally see colors more vividly, taste food more intensely and feel the wind on their faces more keenly than they will at any other time in their lives.

Even when they act exactly like they’re not listening, teenagers are experiencing, feeling and absorbing everything around them. When I taught high school I took advantage of their condition by making my classroom beautiful and pleasant. I eschewed overhead fluorescent lights for lamps and strings of small bulbs. Whenever possible, I used solid wood furniture and played good music during passing periods. I treated the walls as thoughtfully as I do my own home and kept the the room smelling sweet. For adolescent people (and all of us—but more so for them), good feelings beget more good feelings. I primed their brains to soak up as much grammar and literary analysis as possible by appealing to their hyper-reactive senses.

Now that my former students are all grown-up, they remember me for many things. Sometimes it’s stuff I meant to teach them—how to write a solid argument or deconstruct a text—but more often it’s the sensory experience we shared. They thank me for introducing them to reggae-rapper Matisyahu, for hanging butterflies from the ceiling, for offering a cozy respite from the high-school storm. I did not always leave my students with the lessons I intended because they soak up everything during those sensitive years. But I left them with something. It’s a good reminder of how important it is to tread lightly with impressionable, unpredictable teenagers.

The Plastic Brain: Open to All Outside Influences

Should we doubt just how impressionable they are, we need only look at recent research confirming the brain’s intense “plasticity” during adolescence. The malleable nature of the brain allows us to learn from experience and adapt to the environment. It is a quality that engenders more of the same: brains challenged and nourished during these years will develop into more resilient adult brains. The brain is primed to learn from new experiences during this time in everyone’s life. Laurence Steinberg, MD employs several useful analogies to help us understand this plasticity, which is heightened during the early years of childhood and again during adolescent development. Clay is reminiscent of our brains, he writes: easily shaped by outside experience when it is raw, nearly impossible to manipulate once it hardens. Electrical wiring, too, helps us understand: during times of greater plasticity, the brain makes and strengthens new, more efficient connections. Teenaged brains are hard at work re-wiring, ensuring full power from all outlets in adulthood. The metaphor I love best is the open window of the brain. During adolescence, its malleable nature means the window is thrown wide open to the influences of the outside world (without the protection of a screen or curtain). Along with sweet summer breezes and bird songs, the open-window brain lets in pollution, vermin and weather. A plastic, moldable brain is an opportunity to experience the fullness of life. It is also a liability, susceptible to all the negative influences the world has to offer.

Here again is a reason not to check out, parents. See how often I remind you? When our children are tiny we believe we have a big influence in their lives. Otherwise we wouldn’t invest in all those Baby Einstein videos and mommy-and-me yoga classes. It can be a hard pill to swallow but the teenaged brain is similarly receptive to our input and influence. If we engage, we can help our kids take advantage of their awesome new brains. They can actually learn to be better adults because these are the years when they are learning to self-regulate. They are learning the skills of making plans and following them, controlling their behavior, working with other people and understanding long-term consequences. When these tasks are interrupted, people tend to repeat mistakes and patterns of reckless behavior well into adulthood. Let's re-invest in our terrible, tempestuous teenagers and their beautiful, fragile brains. They're worth it every time.

Coming Soon: Plastic Brain--Use Caution! (Why it's especially important to keep adolescents way from drugs & alcohol)

The Fragile Adolescent Brain: Drugs Are Bad. Sleep and Exercise Are Good.

Lisa Lane February 21, 2016

The Plastic Brain: Open to All Outside Influences

In my last post we took a look at recent research confirming the brain’s intense “plasticity” during adolescence. Remember, the malleable nature of the brain allows teenagers to learn from experience and adapt to the environment. It is a quality that engenders more of the same; brains challenged and nourished during these years will develop into more resilient adult brains. Here, I discuss the darker side of this plasticity: how savagely their healthy development can be ambushed by negative influences. Parents, take heart! If we KNOW, PROTECT and HONOR our teenagers, we can help them make the most of their beautiful, delicate minds.

Dangers to the Plastic Brain: Drugs, Fatigue, Stress

The malleable nature of the adolescent brain is a primary reason kids shouldn’t use drugs during these years. There is a close association between exposure during puberty and adult addiction. In early adolescence—during puberty, especially—drugs like nicotine and alcohol (and worse) can permanently affect the brain. Regular use can do long-term damage and certainly it can begin a dangerous pattern of abuse. These substances mess with the reward system in the brain just as all that heavy re-wiring is taking place. A teenager’s high is more intense than an adult’s, remember, because they’re sensation-sponges (everything feels more intense). That awesome high can also turn more quickly into dependence.

When chemicals are introduced, the brain-under-construction gets used to relying on a foreign substance in order to experience even normal amounts of pleasure. A teenaged brain can quickly develop a need for the drug (or drink or chemical) in order to feel okay—it stops being about getting high and becomes about feeling normal. It is vital to respect their great susceptibility before the age of 15, but the brain remains in its super-malleable state into the twenties (Steinberg, 2015). I’ll say it now and I’ll say it again: under the age of 15 (approximately; why not just say 18 or 21 to be safe?), drug and alcohol use is a terrible idea for the developing brain. The consequences are serious and often permanent. Kids shouldn’t be experimenting and we should do everything we can to prevent access. Adolescent brains are also super-susceptible to other negative influences, such as stress and fatigue.

Their open-window brains are a liability but also an opportunity. Here, in these dark adolescent times, we have a shot at instilling lifelong healthy habits like regular exercise and a balanced diet. Both exercise and nutrition, of course, produce chemical reactions in the brain; surely we can help our kids make choices likely to fuel healthy development and protect them from lasting harm.

Teenagers Are Their Own Worst Enemies (and Ours).

It’s our job while they are growing to protect them from truly damaging influences on their development. It’s their job to rage against every boundary we set. They are predisposed to make reckless choices and we are tasked with keeping them safe. Holden Caulfield doesn’t mention if the kids he’s trying to save from running over that crazy cliff are simultaneously pelting him with rotten tomatoes and making his job impossible. Our teenagers are doing just that: trying to prevent us from doing our job of helping them. In this blog and at my speaking engagements, I try to give practical advice on how to find the fine line between loving them and strangling them. One of the very best things we can do for our children during these wild years is help them grow up with healthy, functioning brains.

The Best Shelter is A Good Brain.

Because the adolescent brain is young and malleable, parents really do have a shot at making a difference. Teenagers are impressionable; we can make an impression on them. I will beg you to look at the big picture, choose your battles, see the forest and ignore some of the trees. We cannot, of course, protect them from everything. Part of our job is preparing them to handle anything the big, wide world has to offer, including negative influences and personal setbacks. We can’t shelter them, even when we wish we could. I believe the best refuge we can give young adults is the shelter of really good brains that work well for the rest of their lives. (Here, I discuss this concept in greater detail.) Surely we can strive to help their brains grow and operate to full capacity, think critically, discern and synthesize and create. Most importantly, we can help them build brains that can self-regulate. If my kids grow up to be people who can delay gratification for later rewards and remain true to themselves despite external stimuli, I shall be quite pleased. (Here, a post on the goals of raising teens.)

Invincibility: It's Not Just an Adolescent Thing.

If parents think as carefully about the stimuli we provide our teenagers as we did when they were babes-in-arms, we can help protect them from the world and from themselves. We can stack the deck in their favor. We can make it more difficult for them to do really dangerous things when they feel reckless.

Believe it or not, teenagers basically understand the consequences of unprotected sex, drinking, smoking and not completing their homework. They just don’t think the consequences apply to them.

Before we write off their false confidence as another function of adolescence, consider this: when it comes to our health, people of all ages make choices we know are bad for us. Adults—like it or not—really do ask kids to “do as I say, not as I do.” Sure, teenagers feel invincible, but don’t we all? Our bad adult habits prove we feel invulnerable most of our lives. Even if their parents are models of personal health, think of the contradictory messages kids receive from the adult world. Think about advertising from their point-of-view: a lot of things that are bad for us sure look glamorous, everywhere we turn. Adults seem hypocritical to teenagers and often we are. The difference between them and us, however, is that plastic, post-pubescent, impressionable brain. They have too much to lose while their brains are still developing. It’s a matter of protecting them even when our rules for them are contrary to our own behavior.

How Do We Help Them and Their Impressionable Brains?

So maybe we all agree: we should do our best to keep kids away from drugs and other dangers. We should fuel their developing mind-grapes with healthy habits and lessons in responsibility. So how do we do that?

First, please go back and read this post: Seven Things Parents Can Do to Protect Their Teenagers.

In my next post I'll give more keepin'-it-real tips on how to help teenagers cultivate those prized adult skills: self-regulation, delayed gratification, critical thinking. By scaffolding learning and honoring the zone of proximal development, parents really can have an enduring (positive) influence on their kids. Be sure to tune in. Meanwhile, remember the importance of looking beyond Mama Bear and all her hibernating. While impressionable young people live in our homes, we've got to stay vigilant, lock liquor cabinets, go through backpacks, know their friends, and protect them the best we can.